I Would Run but I Have No Feet

New Blog

2006-10-27T13:42:00.000-04:00

I have a new blog. Go to

http://adamsnewestblog.blogspot.com/

to see it. I didnt want to kill this one because I like the title. If my next job generates a significant amount of angst then maybe this blog will be used agian.

The System is an Illusion

2006-08-17T14:41:00.000-04:00

In my time at DFCS I have met many people who refer to "the system," to getting lost in it, to how it doesnt work. I think this is because it doesnt exist. The System is no more than a construct of our minds. What is ussually referred to when people talk about the system is simply people working together. In GA this community of people working together is formally called DFCS when it pertains to families and children.

Calling DFCS (and those it works with) "the system" presents several difficulties. Primarily is continues to dehumanize those involved in it. It also assumes that DFCS works together with its colleages in an organized manner, and that everyone is working toward the same goal or with the same rules.

We who work in the system already feel dehumanized enough just by what we do. It is an unfortuate part of the job. there must be some distance between the worker and the client. It just has to be there if one is going to do the job. That does not releive the worker of his/her responsiblity to act as an individual with their own independant ability to make decisions and judgements. As much as the worker has the responsibility to remain detached from the client, the worker also has a responsibility to make natural human decisions and to keep in mind that the client is a real live person as well. To hear DFCS described as part of the system only reinforces the idea that the worker is not human but only a peice of machinery. When one is not human the imperative to behave humanly is lifted.

The question must also be asked of who is a part of the system. Obviously the state agency is the core of the system. The state agency probably has the strictest and most encompassing pollicy. The state agency also feels that greatest burden of liability and has the most accontability in the state office structre. State agency is definitly included but what about the courts, group homes, foster parents, CASA volunteers, charitable organizations, attorneys and research groups. Who is and who is not part of the system.

Just some thoughts, there may be more of this in the DFCS cool down period. Maybe not.

IT IS FINISHED

2006-08-13T21:57:00.000-04:00

So thats it then. Friday was my last day at the office.

Im going to miss the people I worked with. There are a lot of great people at my office and in a lot of the group homes that I have worked with. I regret that I spent two years getting used the navigating the system and the people in it and now im leaving and done with all that. I feel that at the end of my time I was good at what I did only because I knew how to fulfill all the requirements and get the right things done on time. I also knew how to differentiate between what needed to be done now and what could wait. This was the most important thing for a case manager to master in the job.

At least with me the people skills were there and just needed the right space to come out. There were things that needed to be done and I did them. I used to say that I wasnt a people person. I wouldnt really say anything right now. I do what must be done, in the work or personal world.

So what am I to do now? I really wouldnt mind a job that is a little less personally destructive. Working for DFCS was so thoroughly draining. At the end of the day I would just want to go home and collapse. I've watched a lot of netflixes over the past two years. There were many times when I couldnt do anything after work because I was just two tired to meet new people and be social.

I imagine that the nature of this blog is going to change. Maybe ill use it to continue to think about DFCS. Wait i dont know that I want to continue to think about DFCS.

The Countdown

2006-07-21T17:18:00.000-04:00

The countdown continues. I have now turned in my resignation for the 11th. I guess ill have to change the name of this blog when i leave DFCS.

The weeks continue to be stressful. I want to get everything done and cleaned up but know that it is not really a possiblity. really then what do I keep working for? this next week it will be my goal to get all contacts done and all my files filed and up to date. they want me to have all my august conatacts up to date as well. i make no promises except that I will keep working until the day i leave. i dont know what they are going to do with reassigning though. the new staff are not going to be ready by then. not that they cant handle it but they wont be certified by then and wont be able to do the necessary things to write up contacts and stuff. speaking of the new staff number one looks good, like she can handle it. She's done similar work for another state agency. Number two though has shown signs of cracking already. Handling stress is a big part of the job. Everyone has their trying experience and then its done and you know that nothing can possibly be worse. Its a powerful feeling. Ahh well, they'll work out or they wont. Either way the agency will deal with it. Thats the fun part for me, the kind of problem solving you have to do when things get rough. Its stressful but its also fun, pushes the boundaries. Its a challenge. Other than that the job is kinda slack in the challenge department.

Well since I called the post the countdown, I had better give the countdown: 13 working days to go.

If you ever!

2006-07-01T23:13:00.000-04:00

Man the job is really getting to me. I am planning now for August 18th to be my last day. I think i hope I can make it that long. The last week was one of the most raw stressful weeks I have experienced in some time. Why, you ask?

It had to be a combination of little and not so little things:

Julie is in Africa
I am getting over a cold
End of the month deadlines
I am trying to get more done before I leave than I have been able to do in the past
Several emergencies
Not meeting end of the month deadlines
Julie is in Africa
Several "emergencies" (things that clients think are emergencies but are really not)
More CMs are quitting
Other people are stressed out
Feeling traped in my job
Not laughing as much
Not laughing as much with Julie

I think thats about it

Ive been a bad Blogger

2006-06-24T21:19:00.000-04:00

It looks like ive been a bad blogger. Its been quite a while since I did an entry of substantial writing. I havent done much of any kind of writing if it makes you feel better. but now that Julie's away ------(check out Julie's blog)-------> I seem to have a bit more time on my hands. We get to talk a few times a week. Which is more than i expected. I am amazed every time how clear the call is as well, it sounds likes she's right around the corner.

But of course, Julie is far away. Its been a bit harder on me than I had imagined. I had expected to be continually worried about her, thats not the case. The hard part is not worry but that she is having an experience that is entirely foreign to me. Not only going to Africa, but traveling alone. Culture shock and all that. Shre have never been there, Africa or culture shock. So im trying to wrap my mind around that right now, trying to figure the best way to relate and the best way to help her get the most out of it.

Meanwhile, back at the bat cave, same old bat business. And by bat business I mean, of course, DFCS. Not much changes. Well recently I have been put in a difficult position. I have been asked to move some kids that really dont need moving. Reason for the move is so that the state can pay for the placement out of a different budget. Some research has shown that a significant move once connections have developed can set a child back as much as a year developmentally. Policy tells us to avoid moves if at all possible, I looked up the referrences just in case I needed them. What really bothers me is the change in the adminstration's priority from children's best interests to what is convenient for the state. My priorities have not changed. Might just have to give them the nay-no.

Engaged!

2006-06-04T17:43:00.000-04:00

DSC_0209.JPG
Originally uploaded by ajdele.

So the rumors are true, we're getting married! This picture is from a few minutes after I asked her.

Fun in Chicago

2006-04-21T19:30:00.001-04:00

Photo excerts from my adventures. Check out my flickr page in "links" for more

A + J 2006

2006-04-21T19:30:00.000-04:00

A + J 2006
Originally uploaded by ajdele.

Mirror Bean

2006-04-21T19:29:00.001-04:00

Mirror Bean
Originally uploaded by ajdele.

Night lights

2006-04-21T19:29:00.000-04:00

Night lights
Originally uploaded by ajdele.

Easter Cake

2006-04-21T19:28:00.000-04:00

Easter Cake
Originally uploaded by ajdele.

Changes

2006-04-21T19:26:00.000-04:00

Last weekend i was in Chicago with Julie, very good trip. I really had trouble concenterting thati week. i think i kinda have senioritis of sorts now that i have decided that i am definitly leaving in august.

a consequence of my leaving in august is that i may not get any new cases between now and then. kinda odd. i got the news thursday, my supervisor came into my office and told me that the group of five that I was expecting to get in about a week were going to go to a different worker. i was dissappointed for a few reasons. the simplest is that i had been planning for them. i knew what to expect and was ready to make the necessary moves for the kids. it was going to be a challenge but I was ready for it, or at least i felt ready. so much for that. the other reson is that i dont want to be rewarded like that for leaving, i undestand the decision. if i did get the case i would only have it for three months before it would have to change hands again. changing case managers is generally to be avoinded, if at all possitle. it is easier on the family that way. i dont loke the idea that my case load is goingn to be kept low at the expense of others because i am getting out. i worry that the change will put unneccessary stress on the CMs who remain. the CM who is getting my family of five has been talking about leaving as well and is really just waiting for a positive response from one of the other places he has applied at. This may be just what he needs to leave early.

New Family Times Five

2006-04-07T18:08:00.000-04:00

Today was my day off but I went in for an MDT meeting. This is the meeting that happens when a case if first opening, we have this after the initial assesments have been completed and we (ideally) have a good idea of the family's strengths and needs (weaknesses, but we cant use that word). Today's MDT we were staffing a new case soon to come onto my caseload, there were five kids. Three boys, two girls, five different fathers. As you might imagine, its a little complicated.

That said, from my end a sibling group of five is easier to manage than five separate families. There is only one (active/involved) parent to notify of things, one case plan to manage. Since there are no fathers involved I dont have to worry about domestic violence or one parent completing things and the other not. These kids sound intresting though, the two youngest seem to be a dynamic duo that have not been as deeply affected by the family instability as the older ones. I think they will do well in a local foster home. The oldest boy is good where he is, he actually has a child of his own, if I can work out visits for them then it will probably be good motivation for him to maintain at a local placement. I will have to stress it to him that if he gets kicked out I am sending him to double dirty south georgia. I think the middle girl will do well at a local placement as well. I expect to have to send the middle boy out to an outdoor theraputic placement in northeast GA.

The rough part is that mom didnt show to today's meeting and has not been contactable by anyone. She might be in the panic phase of when kids are taken but there's no way of telling. She has been visiting which is a good sign. As with all these things, time will tell.

New Links

2006-04-07T17:15:00.000-04:00

Look, I changed the links!

test

2006-04-07T17:04:00.000-04:00

test

More Irony

2006-03-25T21:47:00.000-05:00

This week I was quite bored on the job. Its not that I didnt have a lot to do. Quite the contrary I have a lot to do. And I do mean a lot. There are lists, greats lists, where tasks multiply and many commitments are coordinated. It I did all of them one after the other without ceasing i think i would still be occupied all day. [maybe thats part of the bored reaction; deep down i figure that there is no use and so i thilnk, 'why bother?']

And so I deal with it by taking a lot of little breaks, by talking to a lot of coworkers, by looking at new gear on the internet, looking for rumors of new neat gadgets that are coming out. Basicly bursts of productivity are punctuated by goofing off. We all do it. By 'we all' I mean myself and several friends at the office. I am ussually welcomed in another's office when I come to chat. We justify it by the old adage, "you had better laugh or else you'll cry." To an extent thats true.

What really strikes me is the irony of having so many people's lives in my hands in my profession and yet we goof off and laugh and make fun of them. I have no fewer than 25 children that I am responsible for. Each of these children have at least one father and one mother, wheather they are involved or not is another question. That is at least 75 people whose lives are potentially radically impacted by my actions. Of course if we are following policy everything should work out. But each one of us knows that if I dont want a child to go home, he wont go home. I can easily tip the scales against the parents and radically impact three lives. I, of course, do my best to discharge my responsibilities to the best of my ability working for the best interests of the children of GA. But still the potential is there. And we joke and laugh and curse them for bothering us and disturbing our constant and compulsive checking of email.

Update

2006-03-20T09:46:00.000-05:00

FYI I have changed the settings so anyone can comment now, sorry that took so long

Title

2006-03-18T22:45:00.000-05:00

I have figured out the reason for the title of this blog. I would run from DFCS but i have no feet to run with. I am not trapped, I could up and quit at any time, it would not be a wise thing to do. And so for the time being I am unable to get out. And so I continue as a cog turning the wheels of "the system."

DFCS is as about as much of a government system as you can get. My actions, and the actions of my co-workers is entirely driven by policy. Or at least thats the intention. There is supposedly a policy for every eventuality. The goal seems to be to entirely eliminate the judgement of the caseworker from the equation and thereby eliminate liability. If the shit hits the fan because of something I do and I was following DFCS policy then I am told that I am protected. The implication is that if I am acting outside of policy I am entirely on my own. The agency will disavow any knowledge of my actions. This is ironic because we are dealing with people and their complicated screwed up and very very unique lives. My policy manual is quite think yet any CW who knows what he/she is doing will tell you that there is a lot that it doesnt cover. More to come.

this is a test

2006-03-04T21:07:00.000-05:00

i am writing on my blogging widget

Wrastlin

2006-02-16T23:39:00.000-05:00

DSC_0089.JPG
Originally uploaded by ajdele.

Travis

2006-02-16T23:34:00.000-05:00

Travis
Originally uploaded by ajdele.

Stoked

2006-02-16T23:11:00.000-05:00

So its been forever and five days since last I posted anything here. On one hand not much has changed. Im still working at DFCS, still living in Chattanooga. Still like watching the Daily Show (which happens to be on right now). Things have gotten better at work, or at least its not as rough as it used to be. The craziness comes and goes, some have said that it goes with the moon phases. I know it has something to do with the time of year as well. It always happens that we seem to get a lot kids in care in the summer right when school is getting out. I dont konw why that is, maybe parents get stressed out with their kids home and start beating them. But recently I've been getting things under control a bit. I've switched to doing four ten hour days, having friday off. Thats nice and I feel like I am getting more done with the longer days.

On the other hand Julie and I are more serious about each other than we have ever been before. She has been taking up a lot of my time, sometimes I cant stop thinking about her. I really love her. This is all quite new for me. Another wrinkle in the story to tell is that she is going to school in Chicago and Im in Chattanoog right now. Thats a clean 700 miles between us. We're presently working on rectifying this. I guess you could say things are moving and not moving at the same time. But she is on her way here right now, im pretty stoked about it. Her flight was delayed for a few hours and will be getting into Chattanooga at 2:45 instead of 8:45. Im still very stoked.

Time

2006-01-28T18:45:00.000-05:00

It seems that I have the pieces of my life and I just need to figure out how they fit together. With Julie, the answer had already been give, it just didnt fit at the time. I suppose that also means that I need to have patience. It would be great if the answers were here right now. sigh, keep looking. things will work out in time I suppose.

Christmas Eve

2005-12-25T00:00:00.000-05:00

On Christmas Eve. I have been thiking about the incarnaiton and what a contradiction I see in it. Not the usual contradiction though. For years (and by years I mean hundreds of years) the question has been "How can Jesus be God and man, how can God be made flesh, how is God a baby?" This question does not really interest me. I guess it is not a problem in my mind for God to be made and live like a man. One of the things that has happened as I studied was the deconstruction and rebuilding of some ideas. The whole God is ultimatly unlimited and all powerful and eternal and stuff is a greek way of thinking about God. Not so much as how they thought of their gods as how they thought of the infrastructure of the universe...anyway. Some of those things may be more Greek than Hebrew and so may not quite fit the image of God that we have in the Bible. (Which, I may add, does not invalidate the idea of God in the Bible, at least for me)

The contradiction that I struggle with is a more realistic and immediate one. I can see how the Most High, eternal somthing, reached out and touched our nothing to create Jesus. I get the impression that people think God couldnt fit into a human frame because God is too big, or humanity is too unique and rigid to accomodate God. God probably had this in mind when humanity was designed and put in an extra pocket or God-space. The contradiction hits when I consider the world I know. I deal with human crap for a living. there is so much pain out there, so many dumb people doing dumb things to each other. Every sense seems to tell me that we are a race that God has not touched. In the Church where things are supposed to be .... better....its really not for the most part. Rediculous.

So those of us who believe what Jesus said as we have it in the New Testament and who believe in that same story are faced with the challenge of reconciling this. The God who is present must be held in contrast to the crap that is in us. The poison that wants to course out and destroy everything. Sigh.

walk the Path

2005-12-09T22:29:00.000-05:00

I am finding that one cannot begin to think about projecting your path while not liking who one is. Or rather one cannot think about changing themselves and planning their future at the same time. When I picture myself doing things in the future, or think about what I would like to do with myself, I always see myself doing things I could not do right now. Or maybe just dont have the opportunity to do right now. ... you can probably tell i am still trying to sort things out. Lately I have felt out of sync at work. Maybe ive just hit a slump, I would imagine they come along every once in a while.

Prior to the "slump" I could see the shortcomings of what I do, often became frustrated with it, but generally things were ok. I have been trying to cut down my complaining for a while now. It seems that my heart is not in it like it used to be. I am hoping that two weeks off after Christmas will revitalize me. That may be a vain hope but it is all that keeps me going right now. Maybe i need a new angle or ..... something. ahh who knows, i will do all I can to walk the Path.

begining but not even close to the end

2005-11-28T01:31:00.000-05:00

Redemption is the begining but not even close to the end. To try to continue into any uniquely Christian enterprise without it is foolish, like trying to run without feet. It would be simplistic to reduce it to the old "these things are spiritually discerned" so you cant understand them line (though I think that does have merit in the proper context). It is a question of starting from the right place. If one, for example, wanted to talk about the divinity of Christ the answer would not make sense. Christ is both man and God this is something that can be understood but not explained. Some would say that that does not make sense, and in the modern world it would not. There have been many explanations and attempts to try to fit the nature of Jesus Christ into a box we can explain, but he doesnt fit cleanly into any of them. there is always an arm hanging out or a left leg.

I have a friend who likes to claim to be Bhuddist and also likes to make derogatory comments about Christianity and Christians. He likes to argue the classic disputed points of Christianity; eternal disposition of the "heathen," divinity of Christ, necessity of Christianity to get to "heaven," etc. The problem of evil has not come up yet but im sure its not far off. The discussions are always held over food and drink and are generally very lively. I get the impression more and more that he is interested in these conversations because it is a fun diversion. It is a good arguement and those of us who are involved are all relatively intelligent people, able to but a sentance together. The things that he wants to talk about are too valuable to be treated that way. I am tempted more and more to call him on it and relate to him the above. I know that he will not understand our perspective, not because he cant but because he doesnt want to. He has already decided against it that we are wrong. There is no understanding that will be able to grasp the Way without first accepting it. That is not easy and takes a lot of trust but I believe that is exactly what He is asking us for. It is not a matter of being convinced but of making a choice. That choice is the pivot on which everything turns.

Thanksgiving

2005-11-27T00:17:00.000-05:00

I have been home for thanksgiving this weekend. This weekend is a much needed break from work, though i refuse to think about work yet. I had wanted to take this time to look at options for school. Right now the consideration is between studying education with an emphasis in outdoor ed or studying photography. I have found attactive programs in both fields. One would have me going to remote Washington state to study Environmental Education with a Certificate in Leadership and Non-profit Administration. Not bad, not quite what I had been hoping for but very close. For photo I am looking to go to New York city, Meca for all things photographic, to study at the International Center for Photography. What sold me on them is an emphasis on personal vision and that the woman who did Born into Brothels went to school there after studying theology. Not Bad. The time may come when I just need to make a decision and send an application. Been very nice to be home in general.

2005-11-14T21:57:00.000-05:00

I have to find a new job. This is draining me slowly.

Strangely content

2005-10-30T13:37:00.000-05:00

strange when contentment finds you. at Panera, on the internet, cup of tea. there it is, that combo would not do it alone but there it is none the less. i sure dont know what the magic ingredient is. sure has been a stressful week, maybe just a break from that is enough. plus being surrounded by people is nice, even if I dont know any of them. this is one of those times when you feel invisible, you know in a large crowd or just a croweded place where everyone there is absorbed into their own conversations and concerns. sometimes it annoying but right now for some reason its nice. anyway enough of this, i want to be productive while im here. some things need to be accomplished this weekend and God knows I didnt hardly do anything yesterday except get stinking drunk. well maybe not stinking, at least i didnt smell it.

2005-10-22T23:20:00.000-04:00

So many battles to fight. When you start to see, when the matrix starts to open up before you...Its hard to decide where to point my focus at. I am seeing so much injustice in the world around me. I have a tendency to just go numb to it, at least when immediatly confronted. Its not that I think i cant do anything about it, the right person at the right time has changed the world. but i almost think, why bother? Jesus said it, you will always have the poor among you. does it make me a better person because i feel bad about walking past a man begging for change instead of mocking them in my mind. i think not, more likely the opposite. i betray the small compassion in me that would like me to act by not acting on it. but that is just one small example.

all kinds of people are run over by "the system." something i had not begun to understand until recently. i can understand why many people never see and never want to. it is easier by far to just see the trees and never consider that they are part of an imensely complicated and contradictory forest. the trees are so tall just by themselves. but my eyes have been opened a bit and i dont know that i want to see and keep going. right now im listening to "What a wonderful world," how ironic.

this rant is inspired by an experience i had while transporting a 12 year old yesterday. we were going from one group home to another, about a 2 hour ride. he is one of my favorite kids on my load right now and is very conversational. he said somehting about terrorists and we started talking about iraq. i found myself trying to explain world poverty and cultural imperialism and why people hate the US. i found myself wondering how revolutionary i could be with a 12 year old. we are told we cannot evangelize religion but politics is a little different.

After the run

2005-10-22T23:19:00.000-04:00

DSC_0303.JPG
Originally uploaded by ajdele.

My sister (Amy) and her friend Coleen who just ran the Chicago Marathon (in reverse order)

Solo Sunday

2005-10-16T14:40:00.000-04:00

Another solo sunday. I dont really know what do with the church I've been going to. Its kinda not friendly. I dont really care to expound upon or try to develope a theory as to why. Meeting new people has never been my strong suit either so I cant say I blame them. I guess I was hoping for a little more welcome. Today I sat up on the balchony because I got there late. Standard service ensued. Afterwards everyone around me dissappeared, as if in a puff of smoke. I can take it, I think, I have had to become a big boy recently. I am still vexed.

It has come to my attention that some may get the impression from this blog that I am a little ..... vexed with my situation and some things that I run into. I guess you have to understand what gets written here is written because I have no one to tell it to. At times i have to get stuff out of my head, hoping that it will take up residence on the internet instead of continuing to rattle around in my mind. I have no one to hear these things and take them on so I have to force them upon the internet and anyone foolish enough to read here. Maybe someday when my heart is briming with joy and happiness ill do a post about puppies or some shit.

craziest week in a while

2005-10-01T23:04:00.000-04:00

this has been my craziest week in a while. had to move a child and deal with a runaway amidst all the end of the month stuff which means making all my contacts. things had been relatively quiet lately. i had been getting kinda lazy. i think i work better in crisis mode sometimes. with my caseload lower it I am supposed to be able to provide better services to families. my day is just as full of things to do they are just non-emergency things instead of the constant flashing red lights. well we'll see. i am amazed that the one year mark has come and gone so quickly. i feel as if i just got the job. Right now I am still enjoying the novelty of haveing a job for more than a year. all of my previous jobs have been temporary/seasonal. and before that i was in high school. i think the longest i have worked at one place was at Super K Mart back in the day. i want to say i was there for four years, i guess that would be all through high school. it could not have been that long. who knows, it was a while. i still feel like im only pretending to be a big boy and a professional. someday someone will discover that i have not really grown up or something.

so get this, i have signed a year lease at my new place. i think at the end of that year it will be time to get out and try something else. so far possibilities range from photography school to trying to start an outward bound base in GA and a few in between. i am excited about the idea of an OB base but I have no idea where to start. i think it is something that DJJ and DFCS in GA can utilize. after working for the state for a year i know that we have no shortage of troubled youth. i would love to do if off the original US model and mix at-risk population with standard pop. the idea is not that the good kids would rub off on the bad kids, but that they would both become better people because of the experience. there is so much depth and richness to be experienced in the OB experience.

the problem with that particular path is that i dont even know where to begin. where does money come from? where would it be based? what rivers might we run? who would staff the trips? and then there is navigating GA ORS. God only knows and it is only by His hand that anything takes place. I have to believe this or I am really screwed.

Hotel View

2005-09-23T16:32:00.000-04:00

Hotel View
Originally uploaded by ajdele.

Im in Atlanta most of this week for an independant living confrence through work. "Independant Living" is all about giving teens in foster care an option besides falling on their face and into a ditch after they age out of care. Great idea, implementation is a little more tricky especially in GA for some reason. Most of the confrence is of little use to me as it is geared to people who run IL programs or work directly with kids in some way. My job is more complicated, I have to take into account parents and courts and stuff like that too. Im feeling that all this is so incredibly important and I dont want the responsibility. I know that I dont do my job as well as I should. Making sure that things are done on time and following the rules, making sure that policy is followed; I can do these things. Its relationsihps and investing myself into my kids and parents that I dont do very well. All the things that you can't write into policy.

All i've been hearing for the past few days is how rough foster kids have it. now dont get it twisted, they do. as a group there are few who have it harder. but my job isnt cake either. Especially someone like myself who takes it seriously. I have to answer the question of why I should invest myself into people (parents and kids) who hate me. And they dont hate me because im an asshole but because I follow policy and do my job. It is just in doing that job that I need to keep families apart until the right time. and of course DFCS and the court and the family all dissagree (ussually) on when that right time it. I am hated for it by most of my clients. I dont have the personal resources to be hated for doing my job.

by the way, this is the view from my hotel in Atlanta.

Let no one be forgotten

2005-09-11T01:53:00.000-04:00

Thinking today about the state of things, of the world i guess. The reports from New Orleans are disturbing. Most of my news I get from NPR, they tend to be a little optimistic. There seems to have developed, at the very least in sentiment, a very strong racial devide. This adds sorrow upon sorrow. Why must we continue to see things this way? It is all a mode of control. If we can divide along racial lines then we can be controlled. By playing on fear and pain the country will submit to yet another polarization. In the government it is democrat and republican. In our culture it seems to be black and white. What about asians and eastern europeans? Where do they fall into it? My God, who is really to know that the response would have been better faster if it was postly white people waiting for help. I think it can be safely said that things would have come together faster if it were mostly rich people there. Apparantly money makes people move. Those who could afford it got out leaving those who did not want to or were not able to leave what little they had to suffer the consequences. My God help us all. I pray before the Most High that no one in that tragedy is forgotten.

Such rage has never been known

2005-09-03T21:23:00.000-04:00

i could have killed someone yesterday. Those who know me know that it ussually takes a lot to make me mad. Yesterday, yesterday this woman made me so mad. Its a day later and I could still get myself worked up about it. I punched a wall, yeah thats right, put my fist into a wall. Not normal for me. Not just a little tap either, I put a bit of a hole in it. Rediculous. She mocked me, this damn woman mocked me. It was a phone call, she fought and fought and all i was doing was my damn job and enforcing policy. Those who write policy try to make it so we have as little judgement in case operations as possible, supposedly everything is in policy. But this woman felt she was too good for policy. Why, you ask? Well she and her husband are very rich, and very white and very very beligerent. They are used to getting their way in everything. Well in this case she is not dealing with some stupid teller at the bank or an associate at Pier 1. No sir! This is the mother fucking division of mother fucking family and children services! If she was really nice about it and had actaully tried in good faith to work with us and follow the spirit of what we ask for and so on and so forth we have been known to bend the rules a bit. But no way. She must have forgotten who she was speaking with. This family makes demands and forgets that we owe them nothing but in fact they were the ones who want the children placed with them. She actually had the balls to threaten to bring the kids back so we could place them again....anyway, it was bad. Real bad, I was cursing in the office all up and down the halway. Not normal for me, even at angry times. I really wanted to do the ghost dad thing and strangle her through the phone. Its a good thing that im not ghost dad. I pray for wisdom in dealing with this family. and I pray that God gives me the patience to not take those kids out of that home simply because their grandparents are assholes.

Tanya the Actor

2005-08-30T18:15:00.000-04:00

DSC_0024
Originally uploaded by ajdele.

My friend Tanya wanted me to do some headshots for her. Since I dont know how to do real live headshots we just took some pictures. My flickr page has some more, and some that did not make the ... uhh, serious head shot criteria.

Savannah Hotel

2005-08-22T23:56:00.000-04:00

DSC 0019
Originally uploaded by ajdele.

The view from my hotel in Savannah, sort of...

The Finer Things

2005-08-22T23:29:00.000-04:00

i have found that I have trouble enjoying nice things. Right now I am staying at the DoubleTree in Savannah, Ga. If you are not familiar with that particular establishment, it is NICE. I mean breakfast room service included, valet parking mandatory, the biggest and softest bed I have ever stayed in. And all paid for by the great state of Georgia. I keep feeling like its too much and I feel bad about it. Same is true of my new apartment. I am coming from $300 a month and a giant hole in the bathtub to a good bit more rent but a lot nicer. It has tanning facilities. Did you catch that, a tanning bed, in my apartment place. What the hell. who needs that? I sure dont and I feel bad for paying all that for these things I dont need. I really dont need much. I had quite gotten used to the hole in the bathtub. And here they pay for dinner and we have a tendency to use all that money. Again I feel bad being a big spender. I feel most at home in a tent.

Protection

2005-08-20T22:57:00.000-04:00

DSC 0080
Originally uploaded by ajdele.

I think what attracts me to this picture is the conservation of colors, and the contrast of orange on white. Oh yeah and the texture. I had not ever considered conservation of color a strength in photos but now that I think back it is a characteristic of many of my favorite images and it makes sense. Im trying to look for this when I am shooting now.

THE GREATEST THING EVER!!!

2005-08-14T00:51:00.000-04:00

oh man i just saw the greatest thing ever on tv. its about 1 in the morning, Dave and I are watching wrestling. a child was just removed from the wrestling stage thing by DFCS. Two fathers were arguing over who was the real family like wrestlers argue, all dramatic like and stuff. all the while there is this respectably dressed lady on the stage with a clipboard listening to it all. the child is hugging another woman all buried between her breasts looking distressed. the fathers argue and agree that the custody of the child will be determined at summerslam. then the DFCS lady says, this is crazy, this child will have to go into foster care. and the she leads the child away while all the parents cry on stage. hahahah!! isnt that great?! this is what my clients know about DFCS, we are the people who get in the way of parents who want to wrestle for the welfare of their children. and the best thing of all is that this whole situation is not all that farfetched. there actually are some parents out there who would consider wrestling for their children a possibilty. ok well that doesnt sound quite as great when i write it out as it was on screen

Where did anyone look for meaning before the internet?

2005-08-06T19:04:00.000-04:00

Man what have I don to find myself in this possition? How many times a day to I tell myself that I have to get out of this place? I just had a friend tell me that God has me here for a reason. I dont know what to think of this. I cannot see a reason. I cannot see a purpose in the pattern of my life right now. For that matter I cannot feel or hear God much anymore. I had thought, and it made sense, that he might change the way he leads according to one's needs. There was a time when I needed direct leading, now that has changed, perhaps. Or perhaps I ignored some leading back down the line and now have gotten myself so far out of tune that I could not hear him even shouting. I wouldnt put it past myself. Never mind me, im just being dramatic.

Incomming!

2005-08-03T22:31:00.000-04:00

Incomming!
Originally uploaded by ajdele.

From my short stint at camp this year, fun stuff. All kinds of interesting things happen at camp.

Lighted Path

2005-08-03T22:28:00.000-04:00

DSC_0004
Originally uploaded by ajdele.

This is in chattanooga at night. A lot of my experimenting pictures have been with light at night. I think i need to start using a tripod.

conflict

2005-08-03T22:16:00.000-04:00

i have been in conflict about what do to with myself. I feel a great draw back to Arizona. I dont know that I am ready to go there without a way to support myself. I feel like I need to work on the border. I would love to take pictures there and show everyone I can what is happening there. If you want a shock check this out: http://derechoshumanosaz.net/deaths.htm. Its a list of those who have died on the border with causes of death, where it was ascertainable. I was shocked and suprised at the number of gunshot wounds and car accidents. For those who dont know it is a practice of the Border Patrol and others to chase vehicles carrying undocumented migrants faster and faster until it looses control and rolls. Killing or injuring those inside. These things are happening in the United States. I would like to think that it continues because the majority of Americans do not know about it. That needs to change.

habit

2005-08-03T19:25:00.000-04:00

Man I havent done this in a while. I cant say that I got out of the habit because I never really got into it. Things that have been on my mind lately:

Apartment - time to get a new place. Im looking at a place that is a whole heck of a lot nicer than my place right now, its closer to work, and has all the ammenities in the world. But its about 50% more expensive, on the third floor and has a 12 month lease that I cant break. I put a security deposit on it but can still back out. The thing that really bothers me is locking myself into a 12 month deal. I also dont really like putting a whole lot of money into my living space, I dont need much after all.

Job - yeah its been a year now. im up for a raise (it happens automatically after a year). im not entirely sold on staying there. its alright but .... no, i have a good job and i work with good people. child welfare is not what I want to do forever. there is actually the possibility of moving to a DJJ position. not that large a posibility.

General permanency - ive been thinking that im not cool with living in the south. hah i guess that was a pun. its just damn hot in the summer. i like seasons, you know snow in the winter and then warmpth in the summer. not crazy hot humidity. and then there are not many places to push my photography here.

dinner time, gotta go.

Politik

2005-07-03T23:28:00.000-04:00

ahh, so frustrating! I really hate politics. Interpersonal politics. Well actually I am not all that fond of governmental politics either. I would love to be able to go up to camp and chill and hang out and things of this nature. I realize that I ask for a favor, for a luxury. It is totally within the rights of the director to deny me this request. Thats ok. But it is so frustrating when I am denied and others are allowed. I can think of only a few foolish reasons why this might be. I would be no burden on the establishement there. All I ask is about 15 square feet to lay my tent. But that seems to be too much to ask. I honestly dont want to make any waves or ruffle any feathers or any other cute little phrase you like. I would like for peace and happiness to spread througout the world, including camp.

Katy

2005-07-01T19:41:00.000-04:00

ar07f08a
Originally uploaded by ajdele.

My friend Katy who was met on the walk, she's cool. In real life she's not that grainy.

Presente

2005-07-01T19:20:00.000-04:00

ar03f01
Originally uploaded by ajdele.

Migrant Trail Pictures

2005-07-01T19:18:00.000-04:00

ar12f22
Originally uploaded by ajdele.

Trail pictures are up at http://www.flickr.com/photos/25945373@N00/sets/528693/

No Justice!

2005-06-22T20:39:00.000-04:00

There is no Justice! My job is one that very much depends on the decions of others. More so than others I think. My job is defined by my clients decisions. To take or not take a drugscreen, to report their address or not report it, to beat your kids or not beat your kids... and so on and so forth. Also, unfortunatly, it depends (in a very fundamental manner) on the decision of a juvenile court judge. Our judge makes a decision based on the convincing done by the lawyers involved. The problem with all of this is that the whole system is made of people who have their own agendas. The lawyers, of course, want their clients to win. Well, lets just assume for the sake of arguement that lawyers want their clients to win. That agenda is known. The unknown, the wild card, is what is going on in the mind of the judge. What is this person thinking? What is his/her angle? Why does this person hear some things and not others? Why is some evidence more weighty than other evidence? In this system there can be no justice, only prejudice and error. But then again I have always been of the opinion that the system is fundamentally flawed to say the least. It is my job to fight the system for my clients. There can be no hope or good come from the system or those who operate it. The only hope for any of us, in my child welfare system or out of it, is in individuals. The trouble is finding a real live individual.

Gotta job to do

2005-06-19T13:35:00.000-04:00

What can you do? Some people are just not ready to see what is going on in the world around them. A good friend of mine gave a little presentation at church about the genocide going on in Darfur. You could see apathy and excuses on the faces of those listening. It is a little easier sincce the acutal point of action is in africa and the people look and dress differently than most in the states. It is a little easier to make excuses. I admit that I make my own. I have done little except send an action letter through Sojo.com.

Though these issues should be for everyone I know they are not. Many will not care, many will be content to live their own lives in their own country and this is fine. Really it is. I choose to look at it in terms of calling. God designed everyone to fill an equally necessary role in His Kingdom. Who am I to tell anyone else that they not fulfilling their role?

Speedy Gonzalez

2005-06-10T00:25:00.000-04:00

I have been back from the Migrant Trail trip for two days. It is still hard for me to articulate to people exactly what I did there and why. I am getting better though. Reactions range from the ever popular "thats interesting" to genuine concern for the lives of those who cross the border. I have not met any open hostility yet. Probably the circles that I run in, most of the people I know are generally open minded. Or at least not rude enough to tell me off to my face. I think my supervisor thinks Im crazy though. I suppose I would rather have open hostility than a disinterested "thats interesting." At least thats a reaction. I can only credit apathy to my own failure to communicate the reality of the situation. People are dying, and they are dying needlessly. They die because both Mexico and the US refuse to admit that their deaths are a problem. Its the same us vs. them attitude, it is "them" who are suffering and not "us" so it doesnt affect me. They have a darker skin color and speak a different language, their culture is different so they dont matter. More than that most of the money they make they either save or send home, they dont spend it here so they dont matter. All this regardless of the fact that our economy and Mexico's would fall apart if it were not for an exploitable workforce doing a lot of the grunt work...

I cannot change the whole world at once, I cannot change myself at once. I pray that my God keep these things in my heart. Do not let me forget. Let my Path make a difference for those who cannot speak for themselves.

Oh, by the way, the title to this entry: Speedy Gonzalez is one racist cartoon! I just realized this today, a lazy mexican mouse, that much was obvious. But wait for it ... and he can run fast! from who, the Border Patrol? Whoever came up with this cartoon must have been from a border state!

TPR

2005-05-25T23:30:00.000-04:00

The time for the walk approaches. I am a little nervous. About like what I felt before a course. Just kinda anxious to get underway and to know what is coming. I am definitly feeling nervous about tomorrow. Tomorrow at nine I will be before the Judge asking her to terminate the rights of a family toward their son. Of course he has been in care for four years and is in a loving home that wants to adopt him and is willing to allow him contact with mom. Even if they are willing to consent to the motion I will still need to present evidence. Ive only had this case for a few months and all the important stuff that I will be testifying to would have been done by other people. not a good feeling. I hope the judge does not ask many questions.

the devil

2005-05-24T22:27:00.000-04:00

Thinking..I dont know if I believe in the devil as a individual entity. I imagine that if he was an personality it would be more like the borg than an individual. He would be the cumulative effect of human sin; the embodyment of the ultimate system of control.

18.5

2005-05-22T23:05:00.000-04:00

In Savannah flying solo. It would defintly be strange to be in a serious relationship. I've been flying solo for so long now I dont know how it would work out. I find that sometimes I get short with people who care about me and act on it. I dont know what that means but I dont really like it.

The TV is now off

2005-05-21T19:29:00.000-04:00

Today was a day to do nothing productive at all. Saw star wars and yes ass was kicked. It was pretty intense at times. They didnt use comic releif like in the first two movies, and it was great to see some more detail and depth in what the dark side of the force is all about. Going to Savannah tomorrow for the company. They are going to pay for hotel and food and stuff and all I need to do is visit a child. Nice.

Star Wars

2005-05-16T22:21:00.000-04:00

I feel like a tool. Sure did already buy tickets to see the new Star Wars movie. Its being hyped up so much and I have totally bought into the hype. Ussually when this happens I am not really into it but an just going along with the crowd. This time I really am excited about seeing the movie this weekend. Its going to kick ass. In fact its going to kick so much ass that there will be a whole new level of ass-kicking which will be defined by the movie. Yoda and Samuel L. and Obi Wan, all going to kick ass. Samuel L. is a bad ass mother fucker. I dont care that I just said mother fucker because its true.

Chicago Subway

2005-05-16T21:25:00.000-04:00

Chicago Subway
Originally uploaded by ajdele.

new addition

"That guy"

2005-05-15T16:33:00.000-04:00

Sometimes it seems the weekends are the lowest point of the week for me. I live alone and have no girlfriend; I do have a good number of friends but they are all married or living at least a hundred miles away. The trouble with married friends is that they seem to have different priorities than I do. I know if I try to put this together i am going to screw it up but here goes anyway. From my point of view it appears that my married friends have a different set of priorites than I do. I am always looking for something, for satisfaction, for focus. It is not just a romatic relationship that I want to find, also purpose. I dont know what it would take to find this mysterious existential satisfaction but it is a weight on my mind almost all the time. And when I react to people out of this unquiet state I get odd looks and am told that im just being myself again and then polite laughter like they just told a joke. some understand, some tolerate, some refuse to deal with me. Thats fine. But they need to understand that this is not me. This stressed out, apparently offensive me is not me. I dont want to be "that guy."

El Norte

2005-05-10T00:05:00.000-04:00

Working on getting ready for something kinda intense. I dont know if Im gonna be able to hack it. Some friends and myself are going to be walking across the AZ desert at the end of the month with an organization called "No More Deaths." Its not the walk that Im worried about. Im planning on doing a photo-essay from images i take on the trip. I want to use this as a sample to gain more support and a publisher for a larger project that would explore the migrant experience. Yeah, I sure dont know if I can do this on my own. I am actually pretty sure I cant. That is in a way reassuring. I know that God will give me the skill and wisdom to complete any project He intends for me to do. So in a very conceptual way I am not worried because I think this very well could be something I am meant to do. On the other hand, the realistic hand, the actually-doing-it-hand, I have my doubts.

Part of it is that I dont know what to do to prepare. Its on my mind a lot and I am excited. So then do what? Just wait, hang out, get your gear together. I dont want to invest all this mental energy just to have it sputter out when I get there. No, thats not cool. Just be cool and it will work out when the time comes. Yeah, like everything else in life right?

Creativity

2005-05-07T23:09:00.000-04:00

Been thinking about the nature of creativity. I feel like there is a definite divine link there. Being creative is actually an act that one does in common with the Creator. It makes a lot of sense to me to descibe the world created by God as music or art. C.S. Lewis (in Narnia series) and J.R.R. Tolkein (in the Silmarillion) both did it. In those stories the whole world were created through music. Who is to say that it wasnt. What was described as music by them could just as easily fit with any other type of creative expression.

I might even go so far as to say that this should necessarily be a Christian activity; that all Christians ought to exhibit some form of creativity. But then that isolates those who do not consider themselves creative, or rather, those who do not like being creative. I suppose that espousing honesty isolates liars but that seems like an inappropriate comparison. I myself mess around with photography and I love it. I love having that connection with the film and the subject. I love manipulating the world to suit my own perspective. I love presenting an illusion as what is taken to be real. My photography is my interpretation of the world. I am expressed through it in a way far more subtle than I could possibly effect on purpose but it happens by the nature of the medium. Plus I love the toys, always more stuff to buy. I love using the old stuff like it was made today and I love that it works as well as if it was made today. I love all these things and I know that I am no good at it.

I guess I define "good" as the proficiency where people want to view what I produce. As far as I know im not there yet. I suppose I havent really tried it out but....that will be going out on quite a limb. For a start, check out the begining of a portfolio in my links section.

Galilee Flower

2005-05-07T20:13:00.000-04:00

GalileeFlower
Originally uploaded by ajdele.

i think this is my favorite picture right now. It was taken on the sea of Galilee. I like the contrast of the flowers and barb wire, my thought was that its symbolic of the middle east right now. Also interesting that on the other side of the barb wire is a mine field with mines left over from the '67 war.

Such a thing as purpose

2005-05-02T21:08:00.000-04:00

Does anyone else ever get the feeling that the answers are there just beyond your reach? My current big question is for my future. I would just love for it all to make sense right now. All of the jagged pieces of my interests and acquaintances need to come together into one unified whole. And I feel as if that unifying theme is almost there, just beyond my grasp.

Maybe I am chasing a ghost. Maybe there is no unifying theme. Perhaps my clever images are all just shit and a person's life cannot be figured like that. I do know that I am getting tired of feeling crippled when it comes to my purpose. What if there is no purpose and that one thing I am searching for is a true illusion.

I am becoming duller with time. Those things that I had begun to cultivate in OB and camp, the adventure recreation kind of spirit, is slipping away from me. Maybe the reason I always sound depressed when people ask me how work is (or when I write things like this) is because I dont have a feeling of purpose. I am really not depressed, at least I dont think I am.

DSCF0928

2005-05-01T00:24:00.000-04:00

DSCF0928
Originally uploaded by ajdele.

Me and Dave

Wedding Day

2005-04-30T19:43:00.000-04:00

Another wedding today. Oh yes, it was very nice. Everything went according to plan. I was pleasantly suprised to not get the my-life-sucks-feeling. I think I am becoming a bit numb to it. Is that a good or bad thing?

Oh I See!

2005-04-28T22:15:00.000-04:00

I have a rare talent. I have found myself able to find the worst landlords in town. This is number two and she is crazy. She took away our trash cans! Who the hell is going to withhold trash cans as a punishment?! As if we were three years old. "Well, little boy, I can see that you are not old enough to enjoy the luxury of my large trash cans so I am going to take them from you until you can prove yourself worthy." What the hell is that?! I deal with all kinds of people's real life shit for a living, the last thing I need is to come home and find that my damn landlord has taken it upon herself to school me in the ways of trash can etiquette. There is also the leaky bathroom faucet and the lack of parking, but the trash cans are the most ridiculous. My neighbor has it worse than I do though. He and his wife have two vehicles, landlord hit his honda once already and had it repaired. Now, her maintenance man scratched it and she is refusing to pay for it or acknowledge responsibility. And, get this, she threatened to evict him today. I am betting the notice will come written on a shoney's napkin.

I've got to get out of this place. The whole thing is suffocating me. I'm not just talking about the apartment situation, that only makes it worse. My life right now is leaving much to be desired. I am aware that if I am not content now, there is no external fact of my circumstances that could change and fix everything. I know that. Maybe a better way to put it is to say that I can see so much unrealized potential. With my photography, with my relationships, with my travel. It feels like there is so much at my fingertips but I do not have the facilities to use it. I am broken. Not in the cute Christian sense that carries an image of being shattered, like a mirror. No, I am whole, complete in Christ. I just dont work. Its like he has put me together, and for whatever reason, left out some necessary components. So that when I try to perform some ordinary actions I find that I do not have the capacity to do it.

I am Batman

2005-04-27T22:45:00.000-04:00

oh man my job is so crazy. i work in foster care not as a foster parent but as a case manager. Right now I have responsibility for 29 children in the care of the state. this is crazy, so many demands. Each of those cases have a world of concerns that all need to be managed and dealt with at once. Really Im tired of complaining about it but the problem is I dont have a life apart from it. Need to do something about that. I really hope this blog doesnt become a place for me to complain and thats it.

Ok really

2005-04-25T21:28:00.000-04:00

I have a few friends who are really into blogging and I have to admit, though not yet to them, that I am intrigued. I do not yet know what I will use this for. Does everything really have to have a purpose though? Whatever happened to doing something just to do it? I am reading "Zen and The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" right now. Net exactly what I expected, right now its all about epistemology, which I am over. Just not concerned with those kind of thoughts right now. Im in too much of an existential crisis of my own to care about epistemology. Yes, of course, I know its all related....anyway, he talks about taking a trip on a bike just to take a trip. Maybe I need to get a bike. Who in the hell would read this. I dont even want to go back and re-read it. I definitely wont. If you have just read this then I wholeheartedly apologize.

Begining

2005-04-25T21:16:00.000-04:00

I've heard that the begining is a very delicate time.....such pressure....cant handle it.....run away!