TPR

The time for the walk approaches. I am a little nervous. About like what I felt before a course. Just kinda anxious to get underway and to know what is coming. I am definitly feeling nervous about tomorrow. Tomorrow at nine I will be before the Judge asking her to terminate the rights of a family toward their son. Of course he has been in care for four years and is in a loving home that wants to adopt him and is willing to allow him contact with mom. Even if they are willing to consent to the motion I will still need to present evidence. Ive only had this case for a few months and all the important stuff that I will be testifying to would have been done by other people. not a good feeling. I hope the judge does not ask many questions.

the devil

Thinking..I dont know if I believe in the devil as a individual entity. I imagine that if he was an personality it would be more like the borg than an individual. He would be the cumulative effect of human sin; the embodyment of the ultimate system of control.

18.5

In Savannah flying solo. It would defintly be strange to be in a serious relationship. I've been flying solo for so long now I dont know how it would work out. I find that sometimes I get short with people who care about me and act on it. I dont know what that means but I dont really like it.

The TV is now off

Today was a day to do nothing productive at all. Saw star wars and yes ass was kicked. It was pretty intense at times. They didnt use comic releif like in the first two movies, and it was great to see some more detail and depth in what the dark side of the force is all about. Going to Savannah tomorrow for the company. They are going to pay for hotel and food and stuff and all I need to do is visit a child. Nice.

Star Wars

I feel like a tool. Sure did already buy tickets to see the new Star Wars movie. Its being hyped up so much and I have totally bought into the hype. Ussually when this happens I am not really into it but an just going along with the crowd. This time I really am excited about seeing the movie this weekend. Its going to kick ass. In fact its going to kick so much ass that there will be a whole new level of ass-kicking which will be defined by the movie. Yoda and Samuel L. and Obi Wan, all going to kick ass. Samuel L. is a bad ass mother fucker. I dont care that I just said mother fucker because its true.

Chicago Subway

Chicago Subway
Originally uploaded by ajdele.

new addition

"That guy"

Sometimes it seems the weekends are the lowest point of the week for me. I live alone and have no girlfriend; I do have a good number of friends but they are all married or living at least a hundred miles away. The trouble with married friends is that they seem to have different priorities than I do. I know if I try to put this together i am going to screw it up but here goes anyway. From my point of view it appears that my married friends have a different set of priorites than I do. I am always looking for something, for satisfaction, for focus. It is not just a romatic relationship that I want to find, also purpose. I dont know what it would take to find this mysterious existential satisfaction but it is a weight on my mind almost all the time. And when I react to people out of this unquiet state I get odd looks and am told that im just being myself again and then polite laughter like they just told a joke. some understand, some tolerate, some refuse to deal with me. Thats fine. But they need to understand that this is not me. This stressed out, apparently offensive me is not me. I dont want to be "that guy."

El Norte

Working on getting ready for something kinda intense. I dont know if Im gonna be able to hack it. Some friends and myself are going to be walking across the AZ desert at the end of the month with an organization called "No More Deaths." Its not the walk that Im worried about. Im planning on doing a photo-essay from images i take on the trip. I want to use this as a sample to gain more support and a publisher for a larger project that would explore the migrant experience. Yeah, I sure dont know if I can do this on my own. I am actually pretty sure I cant. That is in a way reassuring. I know that God will give me the skill and wisdom to complete any project He intends for me to do. So in a very conceptual way I am not worried because I think this very well could be something I am meant to do. On the other hand, the realistic hand, the actually-doing-it-hand, I have my doubts.

Part of it is that I dont know what to do to prepare. Its on my mind a lot and I am excited. So then do what? Just wait, hang out, get your gear together. I dont want to invest all this mental energy just to have it sputter out when I get there. No, thats not cool. Just be cool and it will work out when the time comes. Yeah, like everything else in life right?

Creativity

Been thinking about the nature of creativity. I feel like there is a definite divine link there. Being creative is actually an act that one does in common with the Creator. It makes a lot of sense to me to descibe the world created by God as music or art. C.S. Lewis (in Narnia series) and J.R.R. Tolkein (in the Silmarillion) both did it. In those stories the whole world were created through music. Who is to say that it wasnt. What was described as music by them could just as easily fit with any other type of creative expression.

I might even go so far as to say that this should necessarily be a Christian activity; that all Christians ought to exhibit some form of creativity. But then that isolates those who do not consider themselves creative, or rather, those who do not like being creative. I suppose that espousing honesty isolates liars but that seems like an inappropriate comparison. I myself mess around with photography and I love it. I love having that connection with the film and the subject. I love manipulating the world to suit my own perspective. I love presenting an illusion as what is taken to be real. My photography is my interpretation of the world. I am expressed through it in a way far more subtle than I could possibly effect on purpose but it happens by the nature of the medium. Plus I love the toys, always more stuff to buy. I love using the old stuff like it was made today and I love that it works as well as if it was made today. I love all these things and I know that I am no good at it.

I guess I define "good" as the proficiency where people want to view what I produce. As far as I know im not there yet. I suppose I havent really tried it out but....that will be going out on quite a limb. For a start, check out the begining of a portfolio in my links section.

Galilee Flower

GalileeFlower
Originally uploaded by ajdele.

i think this is my favorite picture right now. It was taken on the sea of Galilee. I like the contrast of the flowers and barb wire, my thought was that its symbolic of the middle east right now. Also interesting that on the other side of the barb wire is a mine field with mines left over from the '67 war.

Such a thing as purpose

Does anyone else ever get the feeling that the answers are there just beyond your reach? My current big question is for my future. I would just love for it all to make sense right now. All of the jagged pieces of my interests and acquaintances need to come together into one unified whole. And I feel as if that unifying theme is almost there, just beyond my grasp.

Maybe I am chasing a ghost. Maybe there is no unifying theme. Perhaps my clever images are all just shit and a person's life cannot be figured like that. I do know that I am getting tired of feeling crippled when it comes to my purpose. What if there is no purpose and that one thing I am searching for is a true illusion.

I am becoming duller with time. Those things that I had begun to cultivate in OB and camp, the adventure recreation kind of spirit, is slipping away from me. Maybe the reason I always sound depressed when people ask me how work is (or when I write things like this) is because I dont have a feeling of purpose. I am really not depressed, at least I dont think I am.

DSCF0928

DSCF0928
Originally uploaded by ajdele.

Me and Dave